Our World Needs A Hero

And that hero is Spiderpig!



Born on a farm in the south of France, pig was an ordinary little porker. In fact some would say he was less than ordinary. He was too skinny to make it to any self-respecting roast, and too stringy for the breakfast plate. As Jethro Tull might have put it, he was too old to pork and too young to fry.

Then one day, as he was rooting around for truffles, he was bitten by a radioactive spider. He thought nothing of it at the time. But weeks later he was chased by a dog and without thinking about it he shimmied up a tree, knocked over a stranded cat (who fell on top of a surprised fireman) and trod over a sparrow who was still abed in its nest. At that point pig knew something out of the ordinary had happened.

His best friend was a tailor bird who obligingly stitched him a costume. Pig wore it as he explored his new powers. He loved being able to climb up farmhouse walls and jump down chimney chutes into the living room fireplaces of his neighbours. (Luckily it was summer and the fires were unlit, or his dressage would have turned into sausage). He enjoyed vaulting from tree to tree, suspended from a nearly invisible silken thread while he beat a tattoo on his chest in enthusiastic imitation of Tarzan.

Most of all he loved to kiss Kirsten Dunst as she hung upside down in the rain.

But one day his idyllic existence was shattered and he was adopted by Homer Simpson.

"Doh" said Homer.
"A deer," said Spiderpig, "a female deer".
But Homer was not to be fooled - he knew a pig when he saw one.

Homer and Spiderpig traveled back across the Atlantic to Springfield (Illinois), home of apple pie, a non-descript baseball team, and a circus featuring the world's prettiest bearded woman. Actually she was a gorilla, but the circus manager wasn't about to tell that to anyone, and the gorilla could not speak. So none of the patrons realized they were being duped. They thought they had paid $3 to throw yellow missiles at a hot and hairy chick. In fact they were merely feeding the monkey with bananas.

However Spiderpig had first-hand knowledge of the animal kingdom. He knew Uwaka (as the bearded lady gorilla was called) was a damsel in distress. And he was determined to be her knight in shining armor. Or pig in tights. Or strange half-superhero/half-farmyard-animal. Or something.

Anyway, he decided that he had to rescue Uwaka and to that end he devised a fiendish plot. He would buy a ticket to the circus, break into Uwaka's tent, gnaw through her chains, and shoot his way out with a shotgun that he had bought from Walmart. That night he went to bed early. He was full of anticipation and wanted to be up early the next day so that he'd be well-prepared to effect Ewaka's rescue.

At about midnight Homer got hungry and turned Spiderpig into a delicious spam-and-baloney sandwich.

"Doh" said Homer.
"A deer," said his wife Marge, "a female deer".
"No," replied Homer, "that was Spiderpig. I miss that cute little pig already. He was tasty."

Spiderpig's epitaph read: with great power comes great responsibility and a splash of mayonnaise.

Homer's would read: with great hunger comes a triple-decker sandwich.

Uwaka still eats $3-bananas and waits to be rescued.

The End